Children Do What They Are Told Not to Do

Have you ever wondered why children often do precisely what they’re told not to do? Let me share an incident from when I was in 3rd grade, at the age of 7.

It was a typical morning and time to go to school. I was leisurely roaming around the yard, perhaps waiting for my friend’s arrival, while my sister came downstairs, ready for school. She placed her bag on a chair, looked at me, and said, “Usha, this is a 5 rupee coin. I am keeping it in my bag pocket; please don’t steal it.” Then she went to the kitchen.

However, as a child, I perceived her words quite differently. To my young mind, it sounded like, “Usha, this is a 5 rupee coin. I’m keeping it in my pocket; please come and steal it.” And so, I did.

What I want to highlight here is that a child’s mind often doesn’t register negative words like “don’t,” “no,” or “stop.” If I tell you not to think of a big orange elephant, you’ll probably picture a big orange elephant in your mind. Similarly, children often hear the action described and are drawn to it.

Before this incident, I had never thought of stealing, nor had I ever done it. The act of my sister asking me not to steal the coin made the idea of stealing it more enticing.

We’ve all seen similar scenarios: When we ask children not to spill their milk, they inevitably spill it. Tell them not to put their finger in the fire, and they’ll most likely try it. Instruct them not to play with a knife, and they end up doing just that. There are countless examples, and we are often surprised by their actions.

This behavior can be explained by two psychological concepts:

Reactance Theory

Reactance Theory, proposed by Jack Brehm in 1966, suggests that when people (including children) perceive their freedoms being restricted, they experience psychological reactance, a motivational state aimed at reclaiming the lost freedom. When children are told not to do something, they might see it as a restriction on their freedom, leading them to do exactly what they were told not to do.

Negation Processing

Research in cognitive psychology shows that people, especially children, process negations (e.g., “don’t”) less efficiently than affirmations. When children hear “don’t steal,” they might focus more on the action (steal) rather than the negation, leading them to consider or engage in the action.

Parents might be puzzled by their children’s behavior, as they seem to do the opposite of what they’re told. This misunderstanding can sometimes lead to a negative impact on a child’s mental health, affecting how they perceive and understand others’ instructions. When parents become too harsh, children can become traumatized and suffer long-term mental issues.

To avoid triggering this oppositional behavior, parents can try phrasing instructions positively. For example, instead of saying, “Don’t spill the milk,” try, “Please keep the milk in the cup.” Instead of, “Don’t play with the knife,” say, “Knives are dangerous; let’s use something safe.”

Understanding these psychological principles can help us better guide children and reduce the frustration that comes with these common parenting challenges.